Do I Trust Him?
Do I trust Him? This is a question I ask myself more and more as I get older. I’ve been a follower of Jesus for over 20 years now, yet I still find myself asking this question.
Do I trust Him with me and my life? Absolutely. I find that to be fairly easy to answer. He’s always taken care of me and provided for me. I’ve always felt He’s been there for me, so I absolutely trust Him with me. Easy.
The not-so-easy part is when I start asking that question in reference to my family and the flickers of doubts start to creep their way in. Becoming a wife and a parent introduced me to something I wasn’t familiar with before—worry.
Worrying is something I did very little prior to having a husband and kids. I’m usually pretty chill and don’t get too worked up about things. My mom isn’t really a worrier, so I assume it’s a trait I got from her. Thanks, Mom!
Something I’ve noticed though as I get older, and my marriage gets older, and my kids get older is that I do tend to worry more. Especially with my kids.
Have I told you about my kids? They’re amazing. They’re wonderful. And they will wreck me. I even know how they’re going to do it. Are you ready for this?
They’re going to start making their own choices. (Mind blown)
They started to do this already since they’re 10, 8, and 5 years old. Only with the smaller things like clothing choices. And like all of us, they will look back and realize their choices were tragic. Who says colored athletic socks pulled up to your knees is a good fashion choice? (It’s probably the same person that made me think tight-rolling my pleated jeans was a solid move.) I’m also pretty sure I rocked a tucked-in turtleneck with fold-down socks and white Keds to complete the outfit. Go ahead….linger on that visual. It’s going to take a minute to soak it all in.
Those little choices I’m ok with, usually. It’s the ones down the road that give me the heebie-jeebies. All the pesky “what if” questions:
-What if they date a horrible person?
-What if they text and drive?
-What if they drink? Or worse, drink AND drive?
-What if they get a girl pregnant? What if my daughter gets pregnant?
-What if they get into drugs or have a bad group of friends?
-What if they get sick?
-What if they reject Jesus?
Down and down I can go into a tailspin of worry. To be clear, I don’t think about these things 24/7, but I think when you have kids, it’s hard not to think about it sometimes. After I dwell on those things a while (things I can’t control), God, in His great goodness, reminds me of something…He’s got this.
It’s hard for me to imagine that God loves my kids more than I do, but I know He does. He sent His Son to die for them too. They’re His kids, He’s just gracious enough to let Kyle and I raise them. As I write this, I have a visual of God walking hand in hand with my kids. I’m on one side and He’s on the other. And as we’re walking, I’m picturing Him whispering to me, “Hey, you can let go, I’ve got this. No really, just let go of his hand I’ve got him. Seriously, Love, LET GO!”
Sometimes I wish I had a Magic 8 ball to tell me how they’re going to turn out. I want to know they’re going to be ok. Actually, scratch that. I want them to be awesome. I’m figuring out as they get older that if I want them to be awesome, I have to stop trying to write their story for them. I want so badly to write the perfect story for their lives; ones that don’t require pain and are full of rainbows and unicorns. I want to make their lives as easy as possible. But the more I think about it, the more I realize I can’t do that because:
- They will be wimps if they don’t ever have to deal with pain.
- They will have no empathy for other people going through hard times if they’ve never had any themselves.
- They will be self-righteous, thinking they do life perfectly.
- They will ultimately never see a need for Jesus because their lives would be easy.
Do I want to see my kids go through painful things? Of course not, what mother wants to see that? The truth is that we live in a fallen world and sin runs rampant here, so there’s no escaping pain while we’re on this earth.
But God, in His goodness, “works all things together for the good of those who love Him and have been called according to His purpose” (Rom. 8:28). He can still bring joy and goodness even in the midst of pain. We just have to look a little harder for it. So even though I may not get why certain things happen, I have to remember that God is God and I am not. I have to resolve myself to the fact that there will be things I’m just not going to understand because I’m not God. Maybe that’s being naïve, but I’m ok with that. I’ve been called worse.
So do I trust Him? In my heart I believe I do, even though sometimes my actions seem to contradict that very admission. Luckily, God’s not done with me yet. I’m still being worked on just like everyone else. So when you see me in a couple of years trying to control my crazy teenagers, try not to judge. I’m a slow learner.
Any tips from any other fellow worriers out there? What do you do to get through your worry?
- Courtney
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